Virginia here I come!

UP UP AND AWAY

Sunday at 11:55 pm my flight leaves for Virginia. I will change planes in Texas, then arrive at Dulles Airport at 11:55am. This must be what is called the "Red Eye"? Subtracting the three hour difference, that will mean eight hours to get there. I will have a two hour and 23 minute layover at Houston Airport.

I have been trying to control my excitement and remain calm. I usually obsess for weeks, worrying about everything. Will let you know how this new approach turns our! I am going to visit my dearest friend. It has been over eight years since I last visited? I fly back on the 24th.

In preparation for the trip, this afternoon I went to the same hair salon that I went to for the last haircut that I liked so much. I hoped that the same gal who cut it last time would be there. Alas and alack, she wasn't and I am not so thrilled with how my hair turned out. I look like a little dutch boy and I'm not. I am only a small part dutch.

When I get back I will be having a new hip installed. Didn't know this would be necessary before I bought the airline tickets. So, I've had a lot of doctor appointments to go to and arrange, as well as dental work being done. And shopping for things I wanted to fill in my wardrobe, as well as needed sundries. Also, I don't like to go off on a trip with a dirty house, so I've been cleaning house and doing laundry. Now I have some ironing to do. And I have a book from the library that I need to finish reading before I leave because it will be due while I'm gone and not allowed to renew.

Looking forward to telling you all about it when I return.

Windows of the Soul

I started this April 20 and didn't get around to finishing or publishing. I don't even remember where I found the MEME. I do remember how I was overwhelmed by some of the images that arose.

*Seeing my mother the first time after her stroke. She was in a coma and not expected to live. There is no way I could describe that vision. I will just say it was a painful one.

*The dark skin everywhere, when I got off the plane in Hawaii the first time in 1964. My Mom had married a Hawaiian when I was just 2. So I grew up in a Hawaiian community. Everyone went together to give me a plane ticket to Hawaii for a High School graduation gift. I lived and worked there for almost five years.

*I can still see the magnificent mountains on a trip to Hope, BC, more than half a century ago.

* The first time I set eyes on my first grandchild.

*Seeing my second grandchild's squished hairy little head first peep at the world. And then having the honor of cutting her cord.

*Recently driving through the Redwoods in the early morning darkness on a trip from Reno to Seattle.

*Seeing my dearest friend for the first time. I didn't know we would become such close friends. I just admired how classy she was.

*Hiding in the pasture in Sandpoint when my mother was coming to visit my brother and I at my fathers parents house. They had convinced my Mom to go to Seattle to join my father and to work. While there she caught him screwing around and divorced him. When she came back to get us our grandparents made us hide in the pasture. I remember crying because I wanted to run to my mother.

*Setting eyes on my first child. She was and still is perfect.

*Bright pink kitchen nook, with big windows, table and chairs where a dear dear friend and I investigated our souls over gallons and gallons of coffee.

*Sitting on the floor of a VOQ quarters lost in the eyes of my future husband, in Sacramento the night we went to Empamanondos 34 years ago. It makes me blush thinking about the rest of the evening*)

*Watching my husband cradle our son in the crook of his arm, holding his tiny head in his hand while talking about finance with him the day he was born in Germany.

*The canal in Georgetown.

*England, especially the stairs in The Tower of London. The thought of all the people I'd read about in books whose feet had actually walked up those same stairs too.

*George and Martha Washingtons grave.

*Williamsburg,VA

You are welcome to join in this writing prompt. Simply add the links below to the bottom of your post and let me know to add yours to the list!

jen with seven windows of my soulJessica with Eleven windowsTracy from Tiny MantrasDefiant Muse from Musings...Kaliroz with windowsBarrenAlbion with seven windows of my soulArwen with windows to my soulSomewhere in the suburbs with windowsKaren with eight windowsJennifer with Seven viewsMagpie with windowsKaty with windowsMary with seven windows of my soulBA with come to my windowsSlouchy with there are places I remember

Test Results

ENFJ - "Persuader". Outstanding leader of groups. Can be aggressive at helping others to be the best that they can be. 2.5% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Graduation Humiliation

Graduation Humiliation

Tomorrow my husband and I will be attending a graduation party our friends are having for their daughter. Also, I just read Meno's blog (http://menosblog.blogspot.com/) about her daughters senior overnighter. Both these upcoming events reminded me of our experience at our son's senior overnighter in 1996.

My husband and I volunteered to help with the Monte Carlo games at our son's senior overnighter by running a craps game. Our son and his friends were thrilled that we would be doing this. My husband and I were looking forward to the experience as well.

We were rattled because we were having difficulty finding the location of the senior all nighter and it was making us late. Parking was tight. It was dark. When we thought we were near, we followed signs that said, "Senior All Nighter" with arrows pointing the way. Inside the building we got directions and a bunch of paper chits, that looked like Monopoly money, which were being used as money that the graduates could exchange for prizes.We hurried through the crowd of teenagers. It was like moving through a crowd at a carnival. We were a little relieved, when we arrived at the far end of the festivities, to find that only a few of the seniors had reached that area. Parents who were already running other games, showed us an empty table where we could set up our craps game. They hadn't expected us. We set up and had a grand time with all the kids that came by to roll them bones, while being on the lookout for our son or his friends. After the time we were scheduled to be there had almost passed with no sight of them, I happened to notice what was written on the chits we had been using for money. I hadn't looked closely at them until then.

I asked one of the parents standing near me, "Why do these say Central Valley HS on them," indicating the play money.

She looked at me strangely and said, "Because that is what the name of our school is", duh was quite evident on her face.

I froze a moment while she continued to look at me. My voice lowered several octaves as I said, "Oh. No. We thought this was the M......... overnighter. I was wondering why we didn't recognize anyone."

We were humiliated and left apologetically but quickly, imagining how our son must feel about us not showing up as expected. We were able to get directions to our son's overnighter (same area different building).

Our son and some of his buds were near the entrance when we arrived at the correct place. Their disappointment was obvious to me. Though the time we were scheduled to run the craps game had passed, the boys took us there and we explained what had happened. They sympathized but didn't need us. So, we spent a short time with the boys, then left with our tails between our legs.

I was sure for a long time that this travesty would ruin my son's life. He has become a truly caring, talented, loyal, delightful human being. So, I guess I can let go of this experience now!

New haircut

THE HAIRCUT

It has taken me three days to figure out how to import this picture that my husband took of me then. I had to inlist his help, so, I had to tell him about waiting to see how long it would take him to notice the drastic difference in my hair. He said I am always beautiful in his eyes! Ahhhhh....

I didn't think to do a before picture. Trust me though, my hair was six or more inches longer and was either in a ponytail or hung down sadly. I wouldn't be making such a big deal about it, except that figuring out how to post this picture out of Photoshop (the only change I made was cropping) has been so consuming.

'

NOT YET

He still hasn't said anything but I think I noticed a, "Something is different look", as Z suggested would happen. I am amused and curious how long before he says something. He did call me from work and thanked me for being the mother of his children! He suggested he should go with me to PT today to make sure they aren't torturing his Sweetie! How sweet is that. The thing is, I am sure everyone at PT will notice the drastic difference in my hair.

Started plowing through the piles of treasures that have been deposited in my "studio", which was previously called my junk room, until a dear friend suggested the new designation. This was before I actually started doing watercolor. I get distracted easily with the clearing process. For instance, I started practicing calligraphy when I came upon a poem I've been meaning to do in calligraphy for my son for years, but keep misplacing. Then I started thumbing through catalogs that I forgot I had.

I keep believing that there is hope for my studio. I have been successful before, in different homes, states, a lifetime ago! Has anyone out there finally, conquered their cluttered, disorganized "studio", who are willing to advise and share?

"Oh, he'll notice alright!"

"Oh, he'll notice alright!"


Yesterday, after I had finished at the physical therapist, I took the plunge and went in to the new Fantastic Sam's here. My hair has just grown and grown for almost a year, for a few reasons, one being that I didn't know how I wanted it cut and another that I didn't know where I should have it done. I bought a hair magazine and cut out possibilities. I went on line and printed out possibilities. I carried them in my purse for months. Meanwhile, I was unable to feel good about the way I fixed my hair. It just hung there, pulling everything with it. A couple of weeks after I started PT, the assistant that usually does my ultrasound treatments , told me that she had worked part time as a receptionist at the new Fantastic Sam's. She highly recommended them. For a few weeks I looked for $ off coupons for Fantastic Sam's in the newspapers. Yesterday I couldn't stand it one more day.

I showed the hairstylist all the pictures of possibilities I'd been carrying around in my purse. I indicated the one that I liked best. She washed my hair and even massaged my head. I was anxious for a while when the cutting started. At one point, when I thought she was finished and standing back to admire her work, I said, "Oh, that's not short enough!"

After some discussion it hit me, "Oh, you aren't finished, are you?"

As I looked at her in the mirror. She smiled indulgently and shock her head no.

I was happy with the cut even before she blew it dry. When it was dry I was thrilled and felt ten years younger. My hair had been shortened at least 6 inches. I said, "Let's see if my husband notices."

The hairstylist said, "Oh, he'll notice alright!"

The hairstylist next to us assured me he'd notice as well.

So far he hasn't noticed. He came home from work about 2am. There was, as usual, "Hi Honey!" and my reply, "Hey Sweetie!", as he went about his ritual of putting his stuff away, then going in the bedroom to change. He got himself something to eat and joined me in front of the TV: he in his recliner and me at about a 45 degree angle, 6 feet away on the sofa. We watched TV until about 3:30am, when he started to fall asleep. We went to bed. He got up before me. When I woke I went in and kissed him on the head, where he sat in his recliner watching TV. I cleaned the kitchen, started the dishes in the DW then sorted out the pantry shelves, to remind myself what is in there. I came into the office and sat down at the computer. If he leaned forward and looked to the right, he would have been able to clearly see me.

So, he has gone off to work now and still hasn't said anything about my drastically different hair.

Maybe I will email this to him!

Where was I?

Where was I?

I was walking around like a cripple for several months. About ten weeks ago I started going to Physical Therapy(twice a week), for what I learned after x-rays last week is "Severe osteoarthritis of the right hip"(Too much, "I can do it myself" and carrying many babies on my hip, neither of which I regret!). At the same time I was doing Oprah's online class on "The New Earth". The rest of what has been going on with me, I determined, was pretty much, whine, whine, whine and I chose not to share it with you. So, I have been posting secondhand stuff or not at all. I'm sure you can tell.

I am making a change.

Buying Gas

This was emailed to me by a friend and I immediately wanted to share it with you.

GAS

I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline.... but here in California we are paying up to $3.75 to $4.10 per gallon. My line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon.

Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose, CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline. One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.

TIPS ON PUMPING GAS

Tip #1: Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

Tip #2: When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. You should be pumping on low mode, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created
while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

Tip #3: One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL. The reason for this is the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.

Tip #4: Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up; most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally
settles on the bottom.

WHERE TO BUY USA GAS, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW.
READ ON:

Gas rationing in the 80's worked even though we grumbled about it. It might even be good for us! The Saudis are boycotting American goods. We should return the favor.
An interesting thought is to boycott their GAS. Every time you fill up the car, you can avoid putting more money into the coffers of Saudi Arabia. Just buy from gas companies that don't import their oil from the Saudis. Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I fill-up the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to kill me, my family, and my friends. I thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies are the best to buy gas from and which major companies import Middle Eastern oil.

Companies that import Middle Eastern oil:

Shell............................ 205,742,000 barrels
Chevron/Texaco.......... 144,332,000 barrels
Exxon /Mobil................ 130,082,000 barrels
Marathon/Speedway.... 117,740,000 barrels
Amoco.............................62,231,000 barrels

Citgo gas is from South America, from a Dictator who hates Americans.
If you do the math at $30/barrel, these exports amount to over $18 BILLION! (Oil is now $90 - $100 a barrel. Don't buy from CITGO).<>

Companies that DO NOT import Middle Eastern oil:

Sunoco..................0 barrels
Conoco.. ...............0 barrels
Sinclair.................0 barrels
BP/Phillips............0 barrels
Hess.......................0 barrels
ARC0....................0 barrels
If you go to Sunoco.com <http://sunoco.com/> , you will get a list of the station locations near you. All of this information is available from the Department of Energy and each is required to state where they get their oil and how much they are importing.

To have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers. It's really simple to do. I'm sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)...and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers !!!!!!! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!! Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people...and maybe we can make a dent in this gasoline dependency.

Look what I found!

April 10, 2008
I meant to post this a looooooooooooooooong time ago.

I came across this comment by "cheesy" http://cheesewoods.blogspot.com/ on someones blog and thought it deserved a more prominent place, so I am posting it.

"You are Gorgeous!
Several of us do not take the time to observe and recognize how beautiful we are as humans. We may be grand lovers of splendor, seeing it in the people, places, and things around us, while completely missing it in ourselves. Some of us sense that it is vain to think about our appearance too much, or we may find that when we gaze at ourselves, all we see are imperfections. Frequently we come to the mirror with expectations and fixed ideas about beauty that shade us from seeing ourselves clearly. As a result, we overlook the beauty that is closest to us, the beauty we are. Sometimes we see our beauty in a trivial way, noticing how well we are in compliance to public norms, but failing to see the deeper beauty that shines out from inside and that will persist to shine in spite of how we measure up to society’s model.
If we can bring ourselves to take the trail to self love and we can hack through all these obstacles and simply value how beautiful we are, we free up so much power. We also become less reliant upon the opinions and criticism of others since we become our own greatest admirers. Some of us know that after a long, deep meditation, we are more able to see how lovely we are. This is because we have freed some of our baggage, as a result unburdening ourselves and summoning forth the spirit that dwells within us. It is the thrilling combination of the divine spirit and the human body that conveys beauty more precisely than anything else.To keep ourselves in touch with our personal beauty, we can envelop ourselves with images that echo our beauty back to us—photos of a relative or child who has our eyes, images of teachers who embody spirit, or self-portraits that capture our core in a way that allows us to see ourselves anew. The finest way to keep ourselves in touch with our own beauty is to keep looking deeply into our own souls and opening our eyes to the human being we see in the mirror every day.
Please...
remember to love yourself this year!
cheesy"

I have been doing the "A New Earth" online class and "summoning forth the spirit that dwells within".....all of us.

AUtiSm

Please

You should read this.

Thank you

Testing the waters....

This is a picture of some of the watercolors that I have done and I thought it was time to share them with you. It is part of what I call my "Journey" series.

The top left is a barn in Pennsylvania that I saw when I was on a trip with my dearest friend. The day was a bit drippy and dreary. The road was two lanes with hardly any shoulder. When we saw the barn in the distance we turned onto a small road so we could admire it, which eventually resulted in this painting.

The painting on the bottom is of a road in Virginia near my dearest friends' home. This is a place where the road turns a reddish color and for me is a reminder that we are getting near her home.

The top middle is my favorite painting of Lake Tahoe. The small one is of a spot on the road that circles Lake Tahoe. I have always been a lover of rocks and I especially love the ones in that area.

Yesterday I went through the process necessary to unload the pictures from my new camera onto the computer. First, I went around taking pictures to unload. When I saw this one I thought, "I could post this one and maybe find out if what family and friends say is only because they love me. They think I am brilliant. There were also a bunch of strangers who I was told thought so too when I was unable to attend a showing of some of my work. I even amaze myself sometimes. Perhaps your comments will encourage me to get back to painting.

Car Jacking Warning

You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car, and get inside. Then you start the engine and shift into REVERSE, and you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your parking space and you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift into PARK, unlock your doors and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the car-jackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off! Your engine was running and they practically mow you down as they speed off in your car. And guess what ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car... BE AWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED. Just drive away and remove the paper that is stuck to your window later, and be thankful that you read this email. I hope you will forward this to friends and family... especially to women! A purse contains all of your identification, and you certainly do NOT want someone getting your home address. They already HAVE your keys!

This is something I wrote just over a year ago and never posted for obvious reasons. I am posting it now because I no longer feel this way.



JANUARY 1,2007



Now this would be amazing if I posted this because this is a pity party.

I have been at a pity party for a very long time because it is easier than trying to deal with the reasons I've been feeling so sorry for myself. I have been feeling sorry for myself because:
My husband ignors me.

1.I have gained so much weight (because of #1).

2.I have no enthusiasm to do anything with the house (because of #1).

3.My throathurts and I am afraid that I have something horrible, like cancer. And I haven't made an appointment with the Dr. because

4.I feel that my husband doesn't care (because of #1).

5.Ditto about the pain in my heel and leg.

6.I keep scratching holes in my head.

7.Nobody cares whether I exist or not.

Really. If I were gone they would feel bad, not because they cared about me, but because I wasn't there anymore to use or blame or do for them. I am really feeling that right now. I really would like this pain to stop. I mean well, but I seem to just piss people off, especially my husband; or not say the things they need to hear, like my son; or embarass them, like my daughter.

I am just so tired of disappointing people that I love. There surely is something I am missing here or why would the pain keep happening over and over? I just want to love and be loved. My husbands idea of that is to pretend that everything is ok and sweep everything else under the rug. Oh, I can imagine what he is probably thinking, "She's got it made. Nice home and all, not having to work. Buy her whatever she wants. Gambling money up the yump yump."

Right now I am just existing. When I start to think about how illogical I am being and of how scary it would be to start moving forward I start to back down and think about eating or watching TV, something to distract me from my feelings.

Really, I so want to get up from this chair and go eat or .......This post I started the day after the last one I posted.Three weeks ago (12/31/06).

The Day the Levee Broke

I woke, that afternoon, to the sound of rain and thought, "How lovely", because, growing up in or near Seattle, the sound was kinda like a comfy ole' shoe to me. My husband was at the computer (exactly where I am sitting now). I greeted him cheerfully and set about emptying the dishwasher in the kitchen. I paused occasionally to watch the rain fall and to take in our view out of the kitchen windows. (I will now attempt to insert a picture of our view here. Wish me luck!))

Tah dah!

As you can see, I can see our neighbors yard from this window. I noticed that rain was pooling in her yard. I wondered momentarily if there was any danger of it getting into their house. Then I walked to our patio doors to the left, pulled aside the curtains and checked the rain level in our yard. I could tell that some rain was not being absorbed on a few spots of our lawn. We have had to reduce the time that our automatic sprinkler system waters this area because of that, so that wasn't a worry. I turned around and sat down to work on the puzzle spread out on our table. It was a Christmas gift (1000 pieces), that my husband decided we should "do" the day before. That was the end of my thoughts of danger. It continued to rain heavily. At 11 minutes to midnight I set the microwave alarm so I could sing Happy Birthday to my husband. I went to bed about 4 am or so (as usual) and my husband stayed up a little later. I woke at 6:17 to the sound of a helicopter. I went potty, then back to bed wondering about the helicopter. The sound of helicopters woke me again about nine and then once more around noon when I got up.

I got on the computer and started to blog. I wrote a birthday post. The birthday boy got up and I sang Happy Birthday to him again. Then his Mommy called. Moments after he hung up our daughter called (1:47pm) and he answered. He thought she was being silly when she asked if our house was flooded. He called to me, "Lucky says the national news says that 35,000 (I am so sure I heard 35,000 though my husband later insisted that he said 35 hundred) homes were flooded in Fernley, Nevada when a levee broke".

From the table where I was back working on the puzzle, I said, "Wow, that must be what all the helicopters were about"!

He said, "What, helicopters". I told him about all the helicopters I'd heard. After he got off the phone I also told him about the rain pooling in our neighbors yard. He got on the computer and read aloud the news. Sure enough a levee had broken through at 4:30am and flooded an area of about a mile in our town.

We immediately assumed that it had happened in an area on the other side of town from us, where, before we bought our present home in Fernley, we were actually under contract to have a home built on half an acre adjacent to the "canal", for less than 24 hours. We canceled it because my husband wasn't comfortable with the one sided terms of the builders contract.

It began to snow hugely. We had planned to drive the little over thirty miles into Reno for my husbands Birthday dinner, like I said in my last post. We decided to get ready to go (Shower, dress, makeup, hair) and then decide. The streets were clear when we were both presentable. So, off we went.

Just past the third entrance onto the freeway a portable sign flashed saying,"accident ahead, Caution". We drove for 25 or more miles without seeing any accident, so we figured they must have cleared away the accident and forgot to take down the sign. Wrong. Screech.......

I don't know if you remember the graduation we were unable to attend because of the wildfires. This was very near the same stretch of freeway. The right lane was full of semi's for several miles. The left lane was creeping then stopping, creeping then stopping. My husband said, "Well, it's a good thing I didn't have to go to work and we don't have to be anywhere, like you know when".

I said, "I was thinking the same thing".

By the time we reached the scene of the accident it was pretty much cleared away. We wouldn't know until the next day that it had been a 17 car pile-up in which 3 people were injured.

It was not until the next day, also, that I was able to find out where the break in the levee had occurred, by following links on the computer. I also saved some pictures and will now attempt to post them now, though they may appear at the top again:0)

Wow. That was an exciting challenge.

Today I followed the "canal" on the Google satellite map. I believe I found the place where the levee broke because the water changes color only in that spot. And it is my uneducated but highly intuitive guess that the reason the levee broke is because for whatever reason the depth of the levee in that spot was not as deep, possibly because of sediment build up, because someone dumped something there or gophers.

I wondered how we could help. There were announcements on TV saying not to go near the area so as not to get in the way. They announced that they had enough clothing, blankets and coats. Good thoughts and prayers are always helpful though.

Happy Birthday

To My Husband



And to my son-in-law.



Because of New Years Eve,my husband has had to work six days in a row, when he usually works four. He would be working today, though, if he hadn't had to do that. We will be going out to his restaurant of choice for dinner tonight. Work wife (if you remember her) made him a beautiful cake and gave it to him Wednesday(she used to do cakes professionally), before she left for a trip with her family to Texas. It is as delicious as foreplay! Chocolate with a creamy filling, chocolate mousse frosting and then covered in a dark chocolate genache(well, I couldn't find how to spell that), decorated beautifully.

He also received his gifts early; two tricky folding sawhorses, because they were what he wanted and on sale.

His mommy just called to wish him a happy birthday. So things are looking good.

A Real Find

While clearing clutter I came across a journal where, on August 14, 1995, I wrote the following.



"God created me in his image. Perfect. Then the moment I was born the world began it's quest to prove Him wrong. Yet, through it all I managed to figure out that I was receiving the wrong message. I went through a long and arduous process to come to the realization that all people have the ability to become totally and unconditionally loving to all people. We just have to decide to do so , starting with ourselves. If I don't believe it of myself, I can't believe it of others no matter how hard I try."



That was like a dozen years ago and I am still on a quest to reverse the negative messages buried in my subconscious. I have uncovered so much wrong thinking; stuff that was never true and stuff that is no longer true. Anyway, I just thought I'd share this.

Christmas Eve

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through this house,
not a creature is stirring
cause my husband is at work
and I am at my computer blogging
with my trusty mouse.

Feeling sad....

It's All About Cookies

It just isn't quite Christmas time without my "cheerren" around. I made a stab at creating some cheer by baking the traditional gingersnaps last night. Figured that if that worked I might graduate to baking some sugar cookies and maybe even decorate them. But then my mind swiftly went to the memories of my kids decorating them with me. I still have the Avon cookie cutters than leave impressions in the cookie dough. I would pipe a hat and scarf on the snowmen and they would dip them in sparkles. Then I would pipe on eyes, nose and buttons and they would stick on raisins and redhots. Then there were the Santas, trees and angels. I continued to do them myself after they refused to participate anymore. They still loved to eat them and kept reassuring me that they were way better than any of the cookies their friends moms made. Then they moved into their own places and I still made them and they came home for Christmas or I sent them to them. Then my husband retired, started a new career and we moved to Nevada.

So, really, I think I have been faking Christmas for a long time now. Last year I didn't even send out Christmas cards for the first time since I was probably 18. Our Christmas tree is one of those artificial prelit trees in a plaster planter that is supposed to sit outside. Last year I decorated it. So far this year, we're lucky if someone plugs the lights in. We've decided no stockings hung by the chimney with care for the first time (It's a gas fireplace anyway).

Maybe I should try making "the little white guys". They are my version of Russian teacakes or Mexican wedding cookies. I shape them into little logs and bake them a little longer than most. As soon as they come out of the oven I set them in a half inch layer of powdered sugar, then I sift another half inch layer on top of them. I decorate them by piping on two green leaves to represent holy and add a redhot. My husband always warns, "Hold your breath when you put them in your mouth or the powdered sugar will suffocate you". He would walk over hot coals for these things. They melt in your mouth and take you to a place you should only go during sex. Well, that may be an exaggeration!

31st Anniversary

Celebrating today! 31 years with tall, dark and handsome. He came home with roses and a beautiful Waterman fountain pen I had been eyeing. We will go out to a " tablecloth place" for dinner tonight. Our anniversary and my birthday in three days, always get rushed because of holiday festivities. Tomorrow there is a party we'll be attending. When I was 40 my husband arranged for a birthday cake to surprise me at a Christmas party and I had a birthday party when I turned 16. That's OK with me though, I would probably have a heart attack from the shock of another. Likewise, I just now realized that my husband, whose birthday is January 5th has had pretty much the same fate. Where is this going?



Hmmmmmm.......Both our children have had birthday parties. When our daughter was around eleven and every year after, she declared that her birthdays were "no big thing". I continued to make them big things though. That year she insisted that she didn't want a cake, so I decorated cupcakes and had a few of her friends over. She scowled the whole time. Then she left home and her birthday became a REAL big thing!

I just realized that I tried to make up for, with my kids, what I didn't get as a child. We were very, very poor and Christmas gifts were never much. When I was in the third grade we rented a small house from, and next door to "Bull and Aunty" who were very, very not poor. At Christmas, gifts for their four grandkids were stacked to the ceiling around their angel hair smoothered tree, most of which I had helped wrap. So, with my own kids, I really went over the top, though my husband always declared, "Too much".

For most of my life I wanted something other than what I had. Granted, I started out life with a lot of reasons to feel that way. Even when there were no more reasons, I looked for or imagined them. I still have my moments. I have made a major switch in my thinking that I wish had'nt taken so long. LIFE IS A GOOD THING!