Monday, January 14, 2008

This is something I wrote just over a year ago and never posted for obvious reasons. I am posting it now because I no longer feel this way.

JANUARY 1,2007

Now this would be amazing if I posted this because this is a pity party.

I have been at a pity party for a very long time because it is easier than trying to deal with the reasons I've been feeling so sorry for myself. I have been feeling sorry for myself because:
My husband ignors me.

1.I have gained so much weight (because of #1).

2.I have no enthusiasm to do anything with the house (because of #1).

3.My throathurts and I am afraid that I have something horrible, like cancer. And I haven't made an appointment with the Dr. because

4.I feel that my husband doesn't care (because of #1).

5.Ditto about the pain in my heel and leg.

6.I keep scratching holes in my head.

7.Nobody cares whether I exist or not.

Really. If I were gone they would feel bad, not because they cared about me, but because I wasn't there anymore to use or blame or do for them. I am really feeling that right now. I really would like this pain to stop. I mean well, but I seem to just piss people off, especially my husband; or not say the things they need to hear, like my son; or embarass them, like my daughter.

I am just so tired of disappointing people that I love. There surely is something I am missing here or why would the pain keep happening over and over? I just want to love and be loved. My husbands idea of that is to pretend that everything is ok and sweep everything else under the rug. Oh, I can imagine what he is probably thinking, "She's got it made. Nice home and all, not having to work. Buy her whatever she wants. Gambling money up the yump yump."

Right now I am just existing. When I start to think about how illogical I am being and of how scary it would be to start moving forward I start to back down and think about eating or watching TV, something to distract me from my feelings.

Really, I so want to get up from this chair and go eat or .......This post I started the day after the last one I posted.Three weeks ago (12/31/06).


  1. I am glad to hear you no longer feel this way. What is your secret?

  2. Yump yump... hahaha.

    Sorry, that wasn't the right way to start.

    Dangit to hear that you had a pity party and felt so bad. Pity parties can be a way to pull ourselves out of our hole. However, they are also ways to dig ourselves deeper in. The other day I was having one and started a Word document with one-liners of reasons why... didn't get very far before I deleted them all. The adversary (Satan) sure likes it when we're hard on ourselves because it distracts us and takes us further from the Spirit of God, who only wants us to be happy and loves us no matter what.

    Glad to hear you don't feel this way anymore.

  3. That sounds like some stuff i wrote a long time ago.

    Pity parties aren't much fun. I am very glad that you no longer feel like this.

  4. marsha-never giving up as well as "The Secret" and other books, prayer, self examination and most recently I have begun to chose to believe some of the positive stuff I have learned.

    lucky-pity parties usually bring me to confronting the real issues. This time last year was a tough time for me.

    meno-And you survived, too, huh? "Pity Parties", when accompanied by tears, wash away nasty toxins.

  5. I'm glad you're happy now xx

  6. Happy to hear you don't feel like this any more.

    Blessings to you and yours.

  7. i've been known to have a pity party or 2 myself. i think it is normal to have them. just don't party to hard cause then you might end up doing something you'll regret later. i will say that i am also glad you are no longer having that party 'cause parties supposed to be fun and that one didn't sound too fun. cheers! to happier times.

  8. Sure glad you're okay now.


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