Now this would be amazing if I posted this because this is a pity party.
I have been at a pity party for a very long time because it is easier than trying to deal with the reasons I've been feeling so sorry for myself. I have been feeling sorry for myself because:
My husband ignors me.
1.I have gained so much weight (because of #1).
2.I have no enthusiasm to do anything with the house (because of #1).
3.My throathurts and I am afraid that I have something horrible, like cancer. And I haven't made an appointment with the Dr. because
4.I feel that my husband doesn't care (because of #1).
5.Ditto about the pain in my heel and leg.
6.I keep scratching holes in my head.
7.Nobody cares whether I exist or not.
Really. If I were gone they would feel bad, not because they cared about me, but because I wasn't there anymore to use or blame or do for them. I am really feeling that right now. I really would like this pain to stop. I mean well, but I seem to just piss people off, especially my husband; or not say the things they need to hear, like my son; or embarass them, like my daughter.
I am just so tired of disappointing people that I love. There surely is something I am missing here or why would the pain keep happening over and over? I just want to love and be loved. My husbands idea of that is to pretend that everything is ok and sweep everything else under the rug. Oh, I can imagine what he is probably thinking, "She's got it made. Nice home and all, not having to work. Buy her whatever she wants. Gambling money up the yump yump."
Right now I am just existing. When I start to think about how illogical I am being and of how scary it would be to start moving forward I start to back down and think about eating or watching TV, something to distract me from my feelings.
Really, I so want to get up from this chair and go eat or .......This post I started the day after the last one I posted.Three weeks ago (12/31/06).