Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Now this would be amazing if I posted this because this is a pity party.
I have been at a pity party for a very long time because it is easier than trying to deal with the reasons I've been feeling so sorry for myself. I have been feeling sorry for myself because:
My husband ignors me.
1.I have gained so much weight (because of #1).
2.I have no enthusiasm to do anything with the house (because of #1).
3.My throathurts and I am afraid that I have something horrible, like cancer. And I haven't made an appointment with the Dr. because
4.I feel that my husband doesn't care (because of #1).
5.Ditto about the pain in my heel and leg.
6.I keep scratching holes in my head.
7.Nobody cares whether I exist or not.
Really. If I were gone they would feel bad, not because they cared about me, but because I wasn't there anymore to use or blame or do for them. I am really feeling that right now. I really would like this pain to stop. I mean well, but I seem to just piss people off, especially my husband; or not say the things they need to hear, like my son; or embarass them, like my daughter.
I am just so tired of disappointing people that I love. There surely is something I am missing here or why would the pain keep happening over and over? I just want to love and be loved. My husbands idea of that is to pretend that everything is ok and sweep everything else under the rug. Oh, I can imagine what he is probably thinking, "She's got it made. Nice home and all, not having to work. Buy her whatever she wants. Gambling money up the yump yump."
Right now I am just existing. When I start to think about how illogical I am being and of how scary it would be to start moving forward I start to back down and think about eating or watching TV, something to distract me from my feelings.
Really, I so want to get up from this chair and go eat or .......This post I started the day after the last one I posted.Three weeks ago (12/31/06).
Monday, January 07, 2008
As you can see, I can see our neighbors yard from this window. I noticed that rain was pooling in her yard. I wondered momentarily if there was any danger of it getting into their house. Then I walked to our patio doors to the left, pulled aside the curtains and checked the rain level in our yard. I could tell that some rain was not being absorbed on a few spots of our lawn. We have had to reduce the time that our automatic sprinkler system waters this area because of that, so that wasn't a worry. I turned around and sat down to work on the puzzle spread out on our table. It was a Christmas gift (1000 pieces), that my husband decided we should "do" the day before. That was the end of my thoughts of danger. It continued to rain heavily. At 11 minutes to midnight I set the microwave alarm so I could sing Happy Birthday to my husband. I went to bed about 4 am or so (as usual) and my husband stayed up a little later. I woke at 6:17 to the sound of a helicopter. I went potty, then back to bed wondering about the helicopter. The sound of helicopters woke me again about nine and then once more around noon when I got up.
I got on the computer and started to blog. I wrote a birthday post. The birthday boy got up and I sang Happy Birthday to him again. Then his Mommy called. Moments after he hung up our daughter called (1:47pm) and he answered. He thought she was being silly when she asked if our house was flooded. He called to me, "Lucky says the national news says that 35,000 (I am so sure I heard 35,000 though my husband later insisted that he said 35 hundred) homes were flooded in Fernley, Nevada when a levee broke".
From the table where I was back working on the puzzle, I said, "Wow, that must be what all the helicopters were about"!
He said, "What, helicopters". I told him about all the helicopters I'd heard. After he got off the phone I also told him about the rain pooling in our neighbors yard. He got on the computer and read aloud the news. Sure enough a levee had broken through at 4:30am and flooded an area of about a mile in our town.
We immediately assumed that it had happened in an area on the other side of town from us, where, before we bought our present home in Fernley, we were actually under contract to have a home built on half an acre adjacent to the "canal", for less than 24 hours. We canceled it because my husband wasn't comfortable with the one sided terms of the builders contract.
It began to snow hugely. We had planned to drive the little over thirty miles into Reno for my husbands Birthday dinner, like I said in my last post. We decided to get ready to go (Shower, dress, makeup, hair) and then decide. The streets were clear when we were both presentable. So, off we went.
Just past the third entrance onto the freeway a portable sign flashed saying,"accident ahead, Caution". We drove for 25 or more miles without seeing any accident, so we figured they must have cleared away the accident and forgot to take down the sign. Wrong. Screech.......
I don't know if you remember the graduation we were unable to attend because of the wildfires. This was very near the same stretch of freeway. The right lane was full of semi's for several miles. The left lane was creeping then stopping, creeping then stopping. My husband said, "Well, it's a good thing I didn't have to go to work and we don't have to be anywhere, like you know when".
I said, "I was thinking the same thing".
By the time we reached the scene of the accident it was pretty much cleared away. We wouldn't know until the next day that it had been a 17 car pile-up in which 3 people were injured.
It was not until the next day, also, that I was able to find out where the break in the levee had occurred, by following links on the computer. I also saved some pictures and will now attempt to post them now, though they may appear at the top again:0)
Wow. That was an exciting challenge.
Today I followed the "canal" on the Google satellite map. I believe I found the place where the levee broke because the water changes color only in that spot. And it is my uneducated but highly intuitive guess that the reason the levee broke is because for whatever reason the depth of the levee in that spot was not as deep, possibly because of sediment build up, because someone dumped something there or gophers.
I wondered how we could help. There were announcements on TV saying not to go near the area so as not to get in the way. They announced that they had enough clothing, blankets and coats. Good thoughts and prayers are always helpful though.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
And to my son-in-law.
Because of New Years Eve,my husband has had to work six days in a row, when he usually works four. He would be working today, though, if he hadn't had to do that. We will be going out to his restaurant of choice for dinner tonight. Work wife (if you remember her) made him a beautiful cake and gave it to him Wednesday(she used to do cakes professionally), before she left for a trip with her family to Texas. It is as delicious as foreplay! Chocolate with a creamy filling, chocolate mousse frosting and then covered in a dark chocolate genache(well, I couldn't find how to spell that), decorated beautifully.
He also received his gifts early; two tricky folding sawhorses, because they were what he wanted and on sale.
His mommy just called to wish him a happy birthday. So things are looking good.