Saturday, April 14, 2007

One thing leads to another II

One Thing Leads to Another - Part II

I just really have wanted to know. First, why I was fat, instead of searching for ways to lose weight. That question took me through the process of self analysis, reading, exercises, self hypnosis. And what I found was that I had been molested by my father when I was still in diapers. That I screamed and hit my kids because I was full of anger not because they were doing bad things. That I was controlling because I had been abandoned by everyone I ever loved. That I sabotaged myself because I thought I was an evil person because I thought I did evil things. That I was an adult child of an alcoholic as well as having been a codependent wife of an alcoholic ex-husband. And what became clear to me is that when you clear up one thing the way is open to work on something else when you are searching for clarity.

One thing that has become clear to me is that when I started to believe I was fat, I really wasn't. When I was in the fifth grade everyone was required to be weighed. The results were listed on the blackboard. I was the heaviest in the whole class. I have carried that humility with me to this day. Unknown to me at the time, I was also the oldest because of my birth date. I was two and a half months shy of being seven years old when I started first grade. Looking at pictures of me taken during that time, it is obvious that I was not fat. But, I believed the lie and the lie grew bigger and so did I.

I continue to uncover lies that I believed of myself and also truths, some good, some bad some beautiful. I am grateful that I started this journey of self discovery. It is changing my life.

There is a famous quote about an unexamined life........ ?



  1. L- I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I wish I could make it all go away! I really don't know what else to say! I think you are a fabulous person, no matter what!

  2. toni-what a sweetie you are!

    Before I started examining my life 20 years ago I was quite a mess, but I thought it was all because I was fat until I unearthed all the hidden dysfunction in my life. I am grateful for all the discoveries I have made and wanted to share my journey in hopes of helping others.

  3. Sounds like you been through the wars and survived, stronger and wiser. Good for you. It's hard, painful but you sound like you like yourself a lot better because of your self examination.

  4. Good for you because often it's easier to continue on being the way we are instead of examining the cause. It's so painful sometimes.


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