Loverly

Less than five and a half hours before 2007.

My biggest accomplishment in 2006 was to end a 40 year addiction to tobacco. That addiction started after I had graduated from high school, moved to Hawaii and started working at Woolworths Ala Moana at the lunch counter as a sandwich maker for $1.15 an hour. When I went on my breaks everyone was drinking coffee and smoking. So, I bought myself a pack of Alpine menthol cigarettes because I liked the colors on the pack. Now I had something to do on my breaks!

I stopped smoking when I found out I was pregnant with Lucky and limited myself to 5 cigarettes a day when I became pregnant with Luckyzbrother (because that was considered safe at the time). I started right up again as soon as each were born. I have, at times limited myself to ever fewer cigarettes for ever longer lengths of time, never making it to zero. I stopped smoking in every room of the house except the master bedroom. Then I stopped smoking in my car. Then only smoked in the garage, my husbands truck, restaurants with smoking sections, casinos and outside. When we first moved to Reno we had no garage, but we had 3 balconies in our apartment so all the smoking went on outside including during the 2 worst Reno winters in 100 years! Brrrrrr.... Then we moved here to the relative comfort of a three car garage!

While watching the Ellen show sometime around the first of this year, she was talking to a guest who was needing to quit smoking because his wife was having a baby. And Ellen mentioned the book "The Easy Way To Quit Smoking" by Allen Carr. We had received an Amazon gift certificate from Lucky for Christmas and used that to get the book. It sat around waiting for the right time.

I had been good about exercising, walking on my new treadmill, meditating, writing affirmations and eating correctly. And I thought "now's the time," and I started reading. March 3rd I smoked my last cigarette.

Since then I have stopped exercising, walking on my new treadmill, meditating, writing affirmations and eating correctly. I have gained 30-40 pounds. But, I no longer smoke. I thought the chronic sore throat would disappear but is worse. Thought my eyes would stop watering but they're worse. I have started walking like "Festus" in "Gunsmoke" probably from lack of exercise, but I no longer smoke.

Then recently watching the Ellen show I was made aware that she, despite saying how great the book was, still smoked until recently being hypnotized. I felt so deceived.
But more likely blessed cause I stopped smoking before Ellen! Tadah!
So, now I am trying to fall in love with myself. Though I have come to realize the necessity of this, I have already written that book. I find that it is real easy to be able to claim that you love yourself but to fall in love with yourself is much trickier.

I examined the times I felt lovable, the reasons I was lovable with no help. They all sounded like lame things to be falling in love with someone for. Then I asked myself why did I fall in love with my daughter? My son? My grandson? My granddaughter? And it seems that they just had to show up in my life. I fell in love with my children as soon as I knew they were growing inside me, my grandchildren as soon as I knew they were on their way. And I have not stopped loving any of them even though they have all behaved in onerous ways.

So how do I love me the way I love those four unconditionally? They are a part of me! Aren't I the biggest part of myself?!!! This makes sense to me intellectually. I will continue to pray for it to reach my heart so I can spread it to others.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!